An Ode To F40

"Raphmoe" (raphmoe) 09/12/2014 at 23:56 • Filed to: Ferrari, F1, F40, Poetry, Musings

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Dearest F40, to what do tho owest the pleasure?

Nay, but for not, thine twin turbo'ed V8 wail arouses the spirit.

The body, mind, and soul are aroused whilst though rev aggressively.

Eager, willing, and staccato'ed, the exhaust wail echoes through the hills.

The valley floors and high mountain peaks tremble at your might.

Gleaming red, prancing past other mere mortal vehicles a pause;

Shift,

Pop,

Flames, exhaust, fire, the un-combusted fuel ignites behind the pipe while the throttle is pinned.

Pure, driving pleasure. In this moment we are alive, we smell petrol, or senses are alive.

We are Jalop.

Axial > Raphmoe 09/13/2014 at 00:13

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My forced English education is making me want to tear into this. Must...resist...

Raphmoe > Axial 09/13/2014 at 00:14

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please do, friend. I am open to any and all critiques; it helps me be a better journalist and overall better writer.

Axial > Raphmoe 09/13/2014 at 00:48

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Well, and this is in no particular order since I'm reading and critiquing as I find stuff:

You spelled "thou" twice incorrectly as "tho" and "though" in lines 1 and 3, respectively.

You switched it up from using "whilst" in line 3 to "while" in line 9; this is stylistically awkward since it appears like you want to go for that Shakespearean-type language.

In line 10, you have "our" misspelled as "or" and it would read a lot smoother if you drop the "are" before "alive".

In the same line, the word "alive" appears twice in close proximity with no sort "closure" for the first one to make the second one work without appearing clumsy. For example (and this is hacked out and doesn't fit at all with the rest of your poem):

Alive, pure driving pleasure. Alive! Senses buzzing, petrol burning.

Alive.

We are Jalop.

That kind of thing works, since each instance of "alive" stands on its own with weight.

Back to line 1, , if you want to go full Shakespeare the phrase "dost thou" is more fitting.

In line 4, I'm assuming you spelled "staccato'ed" that way because you want the "ed" pronounced separately. A better way to achieve that is by using an accent grave (I don't know what it's called in English): staccatoèd. Otherwise, if you don't want the separate syllable, use staccato'd.

In line 11, I'm not sure why there is a comma between "Pure" and "driving pleasure" because that's a very weird place to have a pause.

Something along the notion of "...fuel behind the pipe whilst be the throttle pinned" flows much more nicely than that klutz of a verb that we call "is".

Beyond those points, I'm not a huge fan of poems without rhyme or meter; they read funny. When you go for that Shakespearean deal, it really stands out with its absence because he wrote a great deal of his stuff in iambic pentameter. It also stands out when you mix 21st century parlance with 17th century in places where it isn't necessary. You have some lines that appear completely natural to current eyes and others that look like they were meant to appeal to the history books. This lends itself to making the work look piecemeal.

Finally, syntax in English is very flexible and can be manipulated in ways that mean exactly what you want, in the meter you want, and with the emphases and sounds in the places you want. I see you started to play around with it in line 7 ("...a pause...") , but do some more and it'll help keep your phrases from appearing so clinical.

Stay at it!

:)

Raphmoe > Axial 09/13/2014 at 10:15

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thank you for the help!